So Sunday is Carson's fourth birthday. I don't know how to feel about that. He is getting so big and doing so many things on his own now that I am starting to wonder what life will be like when both of my kids are mostly independent of me. I know a lot of people want their kids to stay small forever because having older kids makes them feel old themselves, but I'm not one of those people. I enjoy having conversations with my kids and I look forward to being able to share everything with them. Right now they are both too young for so many things it makes it difficult to really introduce them to much. I do want them to enjoy their childhoods but I also can't wait for them to begin to join the grown up table so to speak.
When I was in high school I remember wishing out loud that it was over, the whole high school experience was not my favorite thing. But my mom would always tell me, "Don't wish your life away." I never thought of it as wishing my life away, it was more wishing my life would start. I hated being old enough to work, to drive, to pay taxes...but not old enough to experience the "real world". I hated not being able to come and go as I pleased, still having to answering to mom and dad. I just wanted to get out, do my own thing and experience a lot on my own. I ended up experiencing teen motherhood but hey, it was an experience right? I don't regret it at all, it made me the person I am today and I think that is a good thing. I am a well adjusted person with an awesome husband and two beautiful children. I do have a college degree even if it doesn't get used. But I think my life turned out pretty well.
Now, back to the topic at hand. Carson is only going to be 4. Isn't that just weird when you think about it? A little person that has only been alive for four years. Sure it seems like a really long time when you think about staying up nights changing diapers and cleaning up vomit but in the grand scheme of things that really isn't long at all. When you think of all the things they learn in those first four years it will literally blow your mind. They learn to roll over, crawl, walk, talk, eat, drink, use the toilet, letter and number recognition and so much more. It's amazing what such a little person will retain from those first four years. I know when he grows up he wont be thinking about it at all but it is truly amazing what these little people can do. Just like Libby, he will go on to school and then have a million new experiences that will shape him into the man he will become. I just hope both of my children have experiences, good or bad, but their own experiences. I don't want to tell them they can't follow a certain crowd or that they have to dress a certain way. I want them to make that decision. I never understood parents who didn't let their kids decide who they wanted to be. My parents just wanted to get me through school. That was achievement enough for them. I can honestly say I don't care either way if my kids go to college. I don't think everyone is meant for it. But I do want them to do whatever makes them happy.
So I guess instead of thinking of the past four years of Carson's life I will sit here and continue to wonder what his next four years will bring and so on after that. Whenever I find a spare moment and find my mind wandering I wonder about them, how they will turn out and will they be happy adults. I hope so, truly I do. As long as they are happy with whatever they are doing, whoever they are with and wherever they are, then I will be happy for them.
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